Friday, February 13, 2015

Happy Fifty Shades of Grey, I mean, Happy Valentine's Day!

 Finally! Finally it's here. You've been waiting for it and finally the day has arrived in theaters everywhere...The Fifty Shades of Grey has finally opened and women everywhere are having a religious experience.

          Okay, have you stopped laughing yet? Look, I'm not going to bash or demonize the movie. I may end up seeing it myself just for the sake of curiosity and because I still miss my Sheriff of Story Brook from Once Upon A Time (really, Regina, did you have to really obliterate the Huntsman? Gah!). However, I really can't stop giggling at all this craze and news stories going wild about how this movie is going to lead to sexual violence or that it's the new sexual revolution. Really, the new sexual revolution? Say that out loud a few times, I burst out laughing after the first time.

             For starters, if movies like Eyes Wide Shut, The Secretary (I still can't get why no one is crying out the foul of that movie-then again that was pre-social media), The Story of O, Blue Velvet, and my own favorite-91/2 Weeks haven't been shamed, then why Fifty?

           It's not really all that original of a story. It's told in the POV of Anastasia, who is constantly saying "fuck", "Oh Shit!" and her various "sound words" for her passion. Now, let's talk about those words.
    Ana seems to cry out these words a lot in the sack or on the rack:

                    "Aaah" (Did Christian creep up behind her and go "Boo!" Or did a mouse suddenly streak across the floor?) I just keep thinking of that old Nickelodeon cartoon, Aaah! Monsters! 

                      "Ungh" or "Ung"- Now this one, I'm picturing one might use this particular word to describe stubbing their toe or hitting their shin. Then again perhaps Ana stubbed her vag, who knows.

                       "Aarrgh" Ana is a pirate? I mean while she's in the throes of passion, her go to is doing a rendition of Red Handed Jill, the pirate wench?

    So we have "Aaah", "Ungh", and "Aarrgh" plus endless pages of inner goddess dialogue. That's sexy right? Next time you're with your significant other make those noises and note the expression on their faces. I guarantee you that they will look at you like you've lost your gourd. 

                Just about every woman in the USA, right now if they haven't already are visiting the local adult toy store and are buying floggers, whips, canes, creams, gels, and nipple clamps. What I want to know is, when the neighbors end up calling the police and they're arrested for what will be perceived as domestic abuse and poor hubby is going to have see a therapist for his PTSD he's going to end up with, what then? I'm thinking every husband and boyfriend/girlfriend will be throwing and burning the Fifty Shades of Grey books while singing, "We Shall Over Come". Are you still laughing? I mean c'mon, it's a little funny. Picture coming out of your house to see a cop car with its lights going, and your neighbor Mrs. So and So is standing with handcuffs on looking contrite while her poor husband is cringing in his boxers pointing a finger while screaming, "I was all into her sexy little leather outfit. I didn't even mind being handcuffed, but when she told me she wanted to use that....on my......" C'mon, you'd laugh, especially if they were the little church couple.

           Look, I have no real love for the books but it's a fad that perhaps symbolizes how many women are either bored in the bedroom or are looking for some sort of adventure with some drama thrown in for good measure. To each their own. So this Valentine's Day, forget what Christian and Ana are doing and create your own experiences with your someone special. If you're single this holiday, get some girls together and have a night out. Who knows you might even get lucky. Heck, go see the movie and laugh! I know I'll be laughing if I end up going. I mean how can you not when you have "Aaah!", "Ungh", and "Aargh".

                               Happy Valentine's Day Guys and Gals!


Denysé Bridger said...

This shit movie and its book counterparts have really grown old and weary, haven't they? Amazing how something so bad can spark so much discussion, though.

Nicole Noffsinger said...

I went with my friend to see it because she was treating her sister and us to a movie date. I tried to go at it with an open mind. Very little of what is written in the book is actually IN the movie. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing. The best thing about the movie is the soundtrack. The soundtrack is KILLER. The sex scenes were mostly him stroking Ana, while her hands of course are secured and him going to have lunch down town. It was a few smacks, caressing, breathing, and him going down on her. It was just "okay" for me. There was more sensuality in "Story of O" and "Eyes Wide Shut" than this and you could tell with how Dorman gave certain lines that they just seemed forced-as if he was a bit awkward saying them. All in all-it was a five on a scale from 1-10 and that's being polite because of the spectacular soundtrack.

Anonymous said...

lolololololol. I am certain I would write a similar review had I bothered to see it. That was very funny, Nikki! Personally, I'm saving my money for Magic Mike XXL!

--CA Knoble/Cynthia Knoble/Cindy Antlej (whoever the f*ck fb lets me be today!)

Nicole Noffsinger said...